Monday, April 11, 2011

What's Next

I was just sitting out on a lounge chair looking up at the impending storm, hands folded behind my head watching the clouds swirl above me and I'm thinking about home. And while those dreadful grey colored clouds remind me of my 'other' home and how I kind of miss it, mindfully but not deliberately I give a tiny shake of my head and a twisted turn of my mouth that might resemble a slight grin, barely audible if anyone else had been around to hear, I say in a deep exhale.... H----O---M---E.

Not knowing where that is exactly these days, but it seems the home I'm missing is in England and funny thing about that, I call this land home and miss it as bad or more while I'm there.
I've wrote about my constant tug of war with myself before, many times in fact.....where I belong, why do I belong, etc. Seems I'm still searching for those answers.

I'm reading a book about just that subject... about discontent, just where or what are ones places in life, the meaning of life, where is the love, why can't I feel love and all that jazz like it. It's about an individual that has lost all appeal for life.....and all the passion and spirit that once drove her so she travels for a year in search of that.  Funny though how obvious it is that the author has money but still she's lost. Money enough at least to afford the search. Which hey.. that can't be all bad. I'd love the chance to try!

I've always thought I'd be complete if given the chance with wealth...and not even 'wealth' but just a comfortable allowance.... hence the root word 'allow'.  Enough money to 'allow' me to go in search of all the people I am (Oh and there are a few)  To discover each and every personality that wrecks any normalcy I ever expect to have. Or at least afford to cater to a few of their whims and possibly gather some helpful hint tips along the way.
You take any Gemini and chances are good they'll say the same thing. Not saying every Gemini is penniless just mostly over thinkers and when you combine desperate, time filled worry with over analysing every single move you take...well, then you've got problems. I keep shouting, usually when there is no one around, that the stress is killing me. What are the answers to my own needs and what AM I looking for for christ's sake.

People with money always say the same thing though.... they say, ''money can't buy that kind of happiness''.... and the poor person always responds in the same way, ''but it sure helps''. I don't even care if it is never actually just handed to me.  I would just like to find my niche in this life before it is done and be compensated for it.  Joblessness and without a nest are my stresses.......sure there are family residences that keep me out of the storm but not my own.  Whatever remnants of my life that I still possess are waiting for me to box up as I sit thinking and writing, contemplating.

Thunder is rumbling now and cicada's are making their final evening calls before the downpour silences them. I should go in, keep my sister company, seems that's why I'm here.....for the moment.