My Birthday

My dear brother came home from work with this cake for me... I don't know which I was more tickled over, the cake or watching him with the cake.  I never felt more love for someone as I did at that moment.  We laughed together as he wrote my name on it as he realized the cake decorator didn't come with a tip, hence the fat letters.  I wouldn't have all the fancy cakes of the world over this one, this year.  I have the best big brother in the world!

On another note.... I'm completely perplexed about a facebook comment I had when thanking folks for Birthday wishes and I went on to explain about my evening, going out to eat etc.  I was made to feel from her the commenter, that maybe I shouldn't have a birthday???? I can't even explain how inane the comment was and I don't know why I even care.  Maybe it's because of who it is, maybe.

I don't know a soul that isn't thankful for birthday wishes and I don't care what the age is. It is a day that signifies 'you'.  It is the ONLY day that is yours exclusively except for maybe your mother... in which case I think it should be her 'birth' day too. 

Otherwise there is no other day no matter what your age or even after death that that day doesn't represent who you are, when you were and in my utmost opinion it needs to be recognized by the people that you surround yourself with.

You may encounter the person who insists that their day doesn't matter and the lack of celebration or acknowledgment doesn't matter but I feel with everything in me that isn't true. 

I'm not even talking about gift getting or party throwing or anything like that....... just simple acknowledgment. I do think there are people that genuinely don't care for a display and I'm actually sort of like that although I've managed a few glorious, fun-filled birthday parties thrown in my behalf.  Still I've always felt slightly awkward for it. Proud for sure... but left with a loss for words while it's happening...... Whole other story into the psyche of that though.

I think it's interesting that she waited to the last minute of the hour ...in which it wouldn't be 'my' day any longer to post at all.  I knew she had been on all day because of postings. How can you explain a comment like this?

"Do you still have birthdays since you came back to America? ;) if so..happy birthday."

I don't know which part confuses me more ''Still have birthdays" or the "If so". 

I'll leave it up to whoever happens along here on my blog and whoever actually reads this post to help me with it.  Again, I would have expected a different comment from her and if this is it.....I had rather it hadn't been one at all. 

To Kill A Mockingbird

This guy... ''Dis guy!'', in my best NY dialect.
I've nick named him Mouthy.  We believe he's been calling for a mate because it seems the one he had or possibly even his whole family may have been carted off from a hawk.  My brother says he seen the hawk with one in his beak and this guy... "Dis guy".. in hot pursuit after him.
I joke but in reality it's quite sad.  Nature can be so sad.  We watched the nest prep, we watched as he stood vigil over the babes.......swooping on neighbors cats and people if they got a little too close for his comfort.  And now he's without his fam.  Heavy stuff.
His songs are the best though even if it is remorseful ....... I've heard mocking of cell phone rings, car alarms and other alert type sounds coming from him as he swoops and dives from one side of the house and yard.  Tonight he flew past my head with a shrill whistle so close I could hear his wing beats.
This photo I took today while he was busy mouthing off and at times puffing his chest..... I hope he has some luck tomorrow finding a mate.

Hope

I really have to remind myself there are good things to think of everyday even when people can have you so perplexed.
So, within this same evening or should say very early morning of writing the last post I will focus on that now. At least I can go to bed in a few with some hope for a better day with better thoughts. 

So here's to hoping. 

I'm a couple of states away from my family and miss them terribly, I haven't spent as much time as I hoped for with my new grandson but I 'hope' that will change soon.

My youngest daughter called a few days ago to announce she is pregnant and the news has us all in a happy shock.  Shock because her only child is eight years old and she was sure that there wouldn't be anymore. I know she is wanting a daughter now and I'm hoping for her too.  We talked about her decorating the spare room in a dandelion theme and I'm excited about that because I have so many photos of them that I would love to have her use them. I hope she gets all that she dreams.

I hope tonight a dream will come that will give me some insight on my next venture because I really need to know.  So many roads to choose but none of them is making sense.  I'm a little shaken by the last blunder so I 'hope' I can trust enough to make a better choice. 

Dismissed of Duty

Well, I knew it.  Something ate at me for several weeks while contemplating on making a move to my sisters house.  She was needful of me just as she gets when strife is in her life and calls on me to comfort her. But I knew it was a mistake; a ticking time bomb really.
I'm her 'go to' person when the chips are down and we have a history of just these same stories.

Seems her husband has wound up in some trouble and won't be home for quite awhile and that's all I'll say about that here other to say with him out of the picture would have been the only way I would have even considered it.
Me? Well being the free agent of my life in general and with eight months home from England and still without a set goal in mind as to where, what or how I'm going to proceed with anything at the moment, well lets just say that leaves me wide open to be slung around for the hell of it, I suppose. 

She was depressed.  She was lonely.  She begged me to come to her house to live with her and as I said...I'm pretty wide open as to where I'm laying my head these days.

Three weeks in and after the upheaval of the makeshift life I was leading; all the remnants of whats left of my life and 'things' and after the move and the hard work of packing boxes and placing my aesthetics into yet another storage unit, it seems I wasn't needed as bad as she thought.  I'm still reeling from this and I've been out of her house for a month now.  This is not new news but it is still lingering in the air as hot as this North Carolina weather.

I have zero ideas as to what happened only to say my conscience is quite clear.  I spent Mother's Day weekend with my family and returned on that Sunday evening to find her sitting in the dark playing some war game on the game system while a massive vibe hung in the air.
I need to back up a minute to say my plan all along was to come to North Carolina instead. I up-heaved my plan and my life to accommodate her needs and I was just as quickly dismissed.
Seems she got on some nerve medication and she told me as sure as I'm sitting here writing, that she has drugs now so she's not as needful.
Amazing isn't it.
This will never, never happen again.

What's Next

I was just sitting out on a lounge chair looking up at the impending storm, hands folded behind my head watching the clouds swirl above me and I'm thinking about home. And while those dreadful grey colored clouds remind me of my 'other' home and how I kind of miss it, mindfully but not deliberately I give a tiny shake of my head and a twisted turn of my mouth that might resemble a slight grin, barely audible if anyone else had been around to hear, I say in a deep exhale.... H----O---M---E.

Not knowing where that is exactly these days, but it seems the home I'm missing is in England and funny thing about that, I call this land home and miss it as bad or more while I'm there.
I've wrote about my constant tug of war with myself before, many times in fact.....where I belong, why do I belong, etc. Seems I'm still searching for those answers.

I'm reading a book about just that subject... about discontent, just where or what are ones places in life, the meaning of life, where is the love, why can't I feel love and all that jazz like it. It's about an individual that has lost all appeal for life.....and all the passion and spirit that once drove her so she travels for a year in search of that.  Funny though how obvious it is that the author has money but still she's lost. Money enough at least to afford the search. Which hey.. that can't be all bad. I'd love the chance to try!

I've always thought I'd be complete if given the chance with wealth...and not even 'wealth' but just a comfortable allowance.... hence the root word 'allow'.  Enough money to 'allow' me to go in search of all the people I am (Oh and there are a few)  To discover each and every personality that wrecks any normalcy I ever expect to have. Or at least afford to cater to a few of their whims and possibly gather some helpful hint tips along the way.
You take any Gemini and chances are good they'll say the same thing. Not saying every Gemini is penniless just mostly over thinkers and when you combine desperate, time filled worry with over analysing every single move you take...well, then you've got problems. I keep shouting, usually when there is no one around, that the stress is killing me. What are the answers to my own needs and what AM I looking for for christ's sake.

People with money always say the same thing though.... they say, ''money can't buy that kind of happiness''.... and the poor person always responds in the same way, ''but it sure helps''. I don't even care if it is never actually just handed to me.  I would just like to find my niche in this life before it is done and be compensated for it.  Joblessness and without a nest are my stresses.......sure there are family residences that keep me out of the storm but not my own.  Whatever remnants of my life that I still possess are waiting for me to box up as I sit thinking and writing, contemplating.

Thunder is rumbling now and cicada's are making their final evening calls before the downpour silences them. I should go in, keep my sister company, seems that's why I'm here.....for the moment.

Sisters

Intelligent or does she so desperately want to be?.. She's reading all the classics now because she knows to be well read is to be well bred.  Except it doesn't always work out when the commonality of your being always takes over. You constantly are looking in from the outside wanting to be something besides the being that is before you shouting at you like a gunshot to the head. Though, is it fair to constantly live life with a guard outside your mind? Can you be yourself even though the world has reminded you time after time that you aren't acceptable?

Sitting here watching is like looking into a mirror almost and I'm depressed. Can I really be like this?  So much of me has moved in a direction far removed from the tie that binds us but the ties are there just the same and no matter how much I want to, I can't escape it. Strange thoughts indeed when you love the one you insult even if the insults stays only in your thoughts but I'm not good at hiding my disapproval. My face has been my enemy all through the years.

All day has been a debate it seems in which my words have been lost or stepped on or both. Conclusions shes found floating on the ceiling, staring in a spacey vexation to a problem which seems to take her away for the few moments of however long the subject may last while she awaits the answers given to her the reflections of herself..

Loneliness is a horrible crippler. 


I'm not sure if I'm not giving the desired answer when she is laughingly gesturing me with her hand movements as if to say I may not have a clue or the possibility that it doesn't quite match what she had in mind....