Friday, September 17, 2010

Leaving England

It's a funny thing how I can't wait to be home and once I know that I'm going and start the ticket shopping process I start getting bittersweet feelings.  I look at my little home in England differently, the garden, the pets and yes Andy too.  It shouldn't be so difficult.  If I were a person with money that could find travelling back and forth easier than what I aleady do......more often is what I mean to say, maybe it could all work out.  My mind immediately starts thinking how good it is to be surrounded with my family but then there is the chaos of trying to find a job and the big one is the shuffling around to one home to the next.  Finding a job has proven to be impossible the last couple of trips back.  So many people looking for work and when something is available my application reads like a gypsy.  I used to be tough, thick skinned and determined... I've watched through the years how that has almost dwindled from bad luck, heart breaks, disappointments and let downs of all shapes and sizes.  Andy has provided me with a roof and a safe haven and for that I should be grateful......and I am except for the fact that my role as grandmother is not being filled.  I want my family just as close to me as I can get them but I hate where they live. : (
Not their fault about that though... they've rooted like an old tree to the place they grew up at and I don't see that changing.  So my choice is to leave adventure of one sort to another kind.  My worry is that anything good will turn sour just because of circumstance of living and working.  Andy won't even speak about my leaving..... he won't give me any idea of his choice of which airport he'd rather drive to.  I feel so sorry to leave him behind again and I know this separation will be a long one this time.... even longer if I don't fall into something substantial quick.  It has to be done, I/we can't keep this up at our age....there has to be some stability.  My father told me a long, long time ago my running around ways would come to haunt me.  I think even my rocking chair will have wheels.

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